I’VE BEEN ASKED TO WATCH THE ANATOMY OF HELL… I’M GOING TO SHORTLY.

YOU WANT TO KNOW MY ANATOMY OF HELL? I LIVE IT MORE OFTEN THEN I CARE TO ADMIT. I HAVE FOR YEARS, AND IT’S COMPLETELY UNNERVING AND DISTRACTING. DEBILITATING ALMOST. IT CAUSES EXTREME MENTAL DISCOMFORT. I OFTEN BECOME EXTREMELY DISTRACTED AND IRRITATED. WITHDRAWN. IMAGINE FOR A MINUTE, A BAD DREAM YOU’VE RECENTLY HAD. A NIGHTMARE. A PHOBIA. NOW BRING IT TO FRUITION. EXPERIENCE IT. I LIVE THIS ALL TOO MUCH. I BECOME ONE WITH MY THOUGHT PROCESS. IT’S THE BEST, AND WORST AT THE SAME TIME. I CAN PROCURE SO MANY AMAZING THINGS AT THIS MOMENT… OR BE CONSUMED BY A HORRIBLE ENIGMA… AND IT REALLY IS. IMAGINE FEELING SOMETHING SO STRONG, YOU DRIVE YOURSELF TO INEXPLICABLE MEASURES. I HAVE. IT HURTS. I’VE COMPLETELY ENVISIONED THE DEATH OF SOMEONE EXTREMELY CLOSE, AND GOT IN A CAR, BELIEVING, OR KNOWING THEY WERE GONE. ONLY TO FIND, IT WAS A ALL TOO VIVID MENTAL DEPICTION. IT’S ALSO FRUSTRATION… I CAN COMPLETELY ENVISION THE FINAL OUTCOME OF SOMETHING, AND NOT HAVE THE MEANS OR TIME TO CAPTURE THE VIVID OUTCOME I WANT TO ACHIEVE. LEAVING ME WITH ENTIRE EMPTINESS OF ANY ACCOMPLISHMENT. DEVOID OF ANY MEANING, OR THOUGHT. I WOULD NOT ANYONE TO BE GIVEN OF A MOMENT OF THIS UNBEARABLE MENTAL DEDICATION. WHEN IT’S INSPIRED AND DRIVEN, IT’S AMAZING… WHEN IT’S ALLOWED TO ROAM AND MEANDER, IT’S COMPLETELY VOLATILE AND RUDE. IS THIS EXTREME. MAYBE. DO I HAVE APPREHENSIONS? ALWAYS. CAN I CONQUER? I CAN ONLY HOPE. WILL THE AUTHORING OF EXPRESSIVE AND CONTINUOUS (YET ANAL) THOUGHT AID ME? SOME WILL SAY YES. I HAVE NO IDEA. I CAN ONLY DREAM. ONLY OF THIS. IF I’M ALLOWED TO DREAM CAREFREE… IT’S SELF IMPLICATION AND PERMANENT. INESCAPABLE. UNCOMFORTABLE. INTOLERABLE. UNDENIABLE. TORMENTING. PAINFUL. EXPRESSIVE. I JUST WANT IT TO GO AWAY, CONTROLLED. CAN IT BE REMEDIED? MY FEAR IS WITH THE LOSS OF THE SELF DESTRUCTION IS THE LOSS OF SELF. PERIOD. I WANT TO BE THE ME I THINK I AM. NOT THE ME I FEEL. THE DEEPER I FIND MYSELF IN THIS TWISTING KNOT, TIGHTENING, AND PULLING, I FIND MYSELF FURTHER FROM WHO I THINK I AM. WHO I WANT TO BE. I WISH THE NOOSE WOULD SQUEEZE THE BLACK BLOOD FROM ME. AND RELEASE THE CLOUD WITHIN. I HUNGER FOR IT. I’M STILL SCARED.