I hate using my blog for this type of stuff, but it’s my only useful outlet.

Maybe I’m jaded. Maybe I’m plain old stupid. I think I went on what will be my last blind date. The last ones have been getting worse and worse. By worse, I mean, further from the type of person I’m attracted to or related to. Tonight took the cake, though, as she flat out said something to effect of me having 3 strikes because I had a beard, red hair and was of Canadian decent. I was like, well, should I just kick myself and throw myself out now… ? I couldn’t believe she said it, and she is really an odd person. I guess desperation kicked in again, and made me want to be able to know I can find someone, but it doesn’t seem I can. It’s either I’m no where interested in them as a person, for all sorts of reasons or they think of me as a big brother.

I’m sure the time of the year isn’t helping, either. It’s not a huge effect, but an effect none the less. I feel more at ease and myself when I’m at the bar with Tracy and Laurie Anne than anywhere else. Probably because I can be myself reclusive self thanks to the loud music and alcohol screen everyone looks through. I get to choose who I give my name to. Well, I used to. Maybe that’s why I bounce from thing to thing. Once people realize who I am and figure me out, I’m not interested in the play between us. This goes with everything. Roller derby, work, friends, relationships, social outings, etc. Maybe I don’t want to open up, again, to let myself be examined and processed.

Could this be the reason I can’t find what I’m looking for lately? Or is it because I’m looking? I would say since I’m even looking means I’m a little bit hopeful. It’s definitely wanning though, as I’m nearing the brink of just going into my sheltered existence again. Which bothers me, because I love going out, I think. Maybe I use even that as an excuse to cope and deal with shit. It that ok? I feel like it is. I feel pleasant when I do those things, and it is an alleviation of the pain.

I feel anger and defensiveness all too often recently. It’s frustrating, which irritates me further. I keep finding myself in positions where I’m feeling like I’m lost in a crowd of what is deemed normal. Or I’m the outsider because of something I have no control over. I have been finding myself thinking how can someone truly be this way? From Hannah’s friend completely ditching her in southern California to my housemate (not Devo) signing for my UPS package and not telling me at all.

Maybe I’m really jaded. I put trust in people when it’s undeserved. I value people for being human, and not who they really are. If that doesn’t make sense, I mean I treat the person for the basic principle they are human… if though the individual personality isn’t worth the time of day. Why do I succumb to being this introverted nice guy? Ugh. It’s definitely tiring. I really don’t know how much more I can handle of it.