This isn’t really a new realization, but, a new claim to be true to myself.

I was talking with Hannah today at brunch (miss those brunches with her) and going over how I’ve successfully create a whole new group of lady friends who are more than likely to become sisters to me. It is hard, sometimes, because in some cases, there is a small crush at work there. She said, what I’ve heard so many others say, act like a dick or an asshole. I mean, I get it… but, I don’t. She said, don’t make yourself so available. I don’t make myself that available though. I want this person to be a friend first… and that is how I treat my friends. Case in point, Shay had a gallery opening yesterday. It meant I had to drive 2 hours to Connecticut, by myself, hang out for a bit and then drive back because I had a ticket to a show. I’m glad I went. I would have been pissed if he hadn’t told me about it. But, it’s what I do for my friends. I am there for them. I’m not a dick. I’m not an asshole. I’m loyal and passionate about supporting my friends in whatever they choose to pursue. Why would I want to be any different with someone I would want a relationship with? I don’t want to be.

Furthermore, if I do act in such a manner… and that’s the person they prefer, I’m screwed. Why do I have to comprise myself as a person to find someone else to share more than just friendship with? I’m not looking for answers, but more interested in posing the question. This is really what the name mute muse was all about… I still quiet and am deeply entrenched in thought. The last few months have been really healthy for me, I’ve found out somethings about myself, and know how I make myself happy. And, with one person, I had to end the relationship because I was losing myself. I didn’t like it.

I’m not entirely bitter about it. Not happy about it either. It’s something I can sometimes joke about so it doesn’t get me down as much. It’s slightly amusing sometimes to think, “Oooh, this girl is cute… how long before I become her big brother!?” Someone did tell me this particular thought is where it all starts from. Maybe they are right. It’s only because I actually want to get to know someone before I make the dive. Why date someone for 3 weeks only to realize the picture you had of them was tainted by your own imagination?

Another pattern, which become clear later in the week…